Alien Amp Records is very happy to announce a partnership with Ash Dialed. Ash Dialed is a writer who writes from her heart and expresses her feeling through creative writing. Through this partnership, Poem Coalition Effort was born. Poem Coalition Effort is an extension to the Alien Amp Records website where individuals who are talented in writing poems can promote their works and share them with an audience who can relate to their writings.
With this program, all individuals can mix music with their poems and we are very excited for this program to help others.
Taras Mandy, a dedicated writer with a story to tell. Her poems are a resemblance of life, a true meaning of what life is about. Taras Mandy writes from her heart and soul, describing the moments of her life that have affected both positively and negatively.
Life is a constant struggle to find happiness, and yourself. At times we think it takes someone else to make us happy, only to find it’s ourselves. We are all here for a limited time, and sometimes that time could feel endless and pointless. You push forward but you battle with your own mind to find this happiness you seek, thinking is it really for me? Why am I here? A purpose. You have one, and you’ll win this battle.
- Taras Mandy
I ran into you, and I almost passed out. What kind of ice breaker could cure the tension and anger left in my soul? I sigh. I panic. I wanted to keep walking but you smiled, and let’s be honest, how could I not stop for that smile? “Let’s talk about the damage you’ve caused.” I manage to speak as soon as you’re close enough to hear. “What damage?” Instant regret. Why did I bother? There I stand, in your presence, with that smile, and it was then I remembered why there never should have been an ice breaker to begin with. You will never own up to the damage you left behind.
- Taras Mandy
L, is for the Lies you told, that I believed.
O, is for oblivious, for I was oblivious to the hurt you made me feel.
V, is for Vacancy, the vacancy in your heart for every girl but me.
E, is for everyone who warned me, but I was too in love.
- Taras Mandy
I think that part of the reason I’m depressed is because, I live in a world where I live on memory. I don’t live in the present, and I don’t think about the future. I think about the past. I think about what I could have done differently, and how I’d be happier if I did those things. I think that a lot of my happiness comes from memories. The good memory I have of you is the way I see you forever. This works for places too, which is why I have such a hard time choosing where I want to live. If I don’t have a good memory there I don’t want it. I think that’s why I love Queens so much. My greatest, most happiest memories are with my grandmother, my Babci. When she passed away, I think a part of me did too. I had a lot of hopes and dreams when she was alive. I wanted a beautiful home and I planned on having her live with me. I had so many beautiful ideas, beautiful writing pieces in my head. I promised myself that I’d have it all before I even hit 25. I didn’t, and with her passing came depression, lost hope, and false reality. Everything I wanted was no longer possible. I feel like every memory after her passing was fake. I feel like I’m living life on repeat, just in different time. I’m moving, and yet everyday is the same. I just wanted to be good at something, and Babci believed I was an amazing writer. She was my inspiration. I just feel so empty now. On the outside I’m all smiles, but on the inside I’m dying. I feel I have no where to turn. Lost. I pray to God but I don’t hear him and that hurts. My beautiful children. I don’t regret them not one bit, I’d do it all over if I could. If it wasn’t for them, I fear I’d be with my Babci. I don’t know.
There’s so much to live for, and still I find all the reasons worth dying instead…
- Taras Mandy
So, these past months, no. YEARS have been crazy. I have gone through ups and downs with myself. I have literally been an emotional wreck for years now! I really blamed my self-proclaimed “personality disorder”! Like “oh I’m just bi-poplar”, or “ohhh man I must have borderline personality disorder!!” It was always something when I had a fit. But no! Being emotional is a part of life, so why am I labeling myself? Why is everyone in a rush to come up with a name for being sad? When is it not normal to have fuckin’ emotions? We all have emotions, and maybe some of us are a bit (a lot) more emotional than others but that doesn’t mean we need a damn label or something. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been called crazy. I can honestly say the number is high. I’ve had breakdowns, I’ve had highs, I’ve had lows, and I even think I’ve hit rock bottom before. We all go through crap that we need to go through in order to grow.
I think a lot of my emotions came from me allowing people to step on me, take advantage of me, lie to me, and I’d just be right there for them. I’ve had people block me for months, and come back into my life and I’d be so happy thinking they actually want me in their life only to find out that they somehow or someway needed my help or advice. I got so tired of it. The other day I was sitting and thinking to myself…”WHY?” Why do I continuously open the door for people who throw me away like I’m garbage? I asked myself that, and that’s all it took to wake me up. I mean, I’ve asked myself things like this before but I seriously sat and thought about it this time.
I give and I give some more. I never ask for things in return when I help someone. I love so hard and that’s why I get hurt. My past is history. I could write a book on my past, nobody could (nor would they want too) walk ten minutes in my shoes. My past is ugly, and pretty much torture. I hate talking about it, I hate thinking about it, and I hate the friends I chose to have in my life.
Today on the other hand I gave up on trying, and I handed everything over to God. I am tired of feeling worthless and not good enough for friends, family or anyone. I will no longer be available to people who don’t show me they truly love me and value me in their life. I am somebody, and it’s a loss for you if you ever hurt me in anyway because I will never let that happen again. Today, I may be an emotional wreck, but I am an emotional wreck with God by my side! XO
- Taras Mandy
It’s fucked up, but the people who hurt us most, always end up being the people we care most about. I think that’s why in life we need to realize that everyone is going to hurt us in some way, and let us down in others. It’s completely up to us though when deciding who’s worth all that pain. Pain is an important part of life. I think pain lets us know that we’re really here, and that’s something that interests me.
One time when I was fifteen I sat down and thought to myself: do I run this place? I am here, and everyone is everyone because I made them up in my head, and I’m somewhere else playing God with buttons above? I felt as if the world revolved around me, and I think that’s why I made such reckless decisions at a young age. I let a lot of people down simply because I didn’t believe they felt the pain, if that makes any sense at all.
Another time when I was pregnant with my first son, I sat in the tub and cried for about twenty minutes because couldn’t take the noise in my head. The noise came and went in one night. I begged to find God that night because the pain was unbearable, I felt so empty and alone, but believed I was the maker of my own sadness.
It’s one thing to feel alone, but when you feel like you’re controlling your own life, and it’s still painful living in it, it’s worse.
I still sometimes think and reminisce on the shit I’ve seen and been through. Eventually I believe I will come back down to earth.
The dreams I have contradict this world..and I’m okay with that.
- Taras Mandy